The tower of babble at the Japan Times

JAPANESE DIALECTS are fascinating, and I’ve written about them before.

But here’s an article that offers no help whatsoever to the linguistic novice.

The islands of Japan have many dialects, and students of the language often realize these variations are not taught in classrooms.

“Often realize”? Are there some students of the language who don’t realize dialects are not taught in classrooms? In the unlikely event any such people exist, what is it they think they are learning?

Foreigners, and Japanese, learn “standard Japanese,” which historically is closest to the dialect spoken in central Tokyo.

Let’s see…the foreigners…the Japanese…have we left anyone out? So, we’ve established that standard Japanese is just that–standard Japanese understood by everyone in the country.

And the proper way to squeal when you see something “cute” is not the ubiquitous “kawaii” one hears constantly on TV, but “menkoi.”

Instruction in the proper way to squeal is usually provided in the home, but sometimes children with negligent parents require tutoring.

Q: And what about Okinawan? Is that a separate dialect or a separate language?
A:…Many people, especially in Okinawa, believe it is.

Believe it is what? A separate dialect or a separate language?

It’s so like the Japan Times to hire a language expert to write an article about dialects, and then have an editor check it before publication.

Most young Okinawans now can speak standard Japanese…

Except for those locked in a broom closet by their parents and prevented from watching television or going to school.

Japanese-language schools tend not to offer special classes in regional dialects.

The reason schools “tend not to” offer special classes in regional dialects is the same as the reason they “tend not to” offer special classes in ancient Sumerian. They’re unnecessary.

I live in an area with a distinct dialect, and the only classroom where the local dialect is regularly spoken is the one for a small group of people studying local drama, called niwaka.

Q: I’m in a place where there is a strong regional dialect. Do I need to learn the regional dialect as well as standard Japanese?
A:…As to mastering a dialect, there seem to be two schools of thought.
The first is the “just learn standard Japanese” school. The logic here is that standard Japanese can be used in most parts of Japan and in virtually all major cities, and is considered polite everywhere.

Logic has nothing to do with it–it’s just reality. A more accurate sentence would read: “Standard Japanese is used everywhere in Japan, with the possible exception of some isolated islands you’re unlikely to visit, and no foreigner will ever be at a disadvantage for using it.”

“Virtually all major cities”? There is a major city somewhere in Japan in which standard Japanese isn’t understood by everyone?

This author is in desperate need of a style manual that warns against the excessive use of qualifiers, adverbs, and needless words.

Speaking in a regional dialect is sometimes frowned on in other parts of Japan in the same way certain Londoners dislike a Newcastle or York accent, or some Americans outside the South look down on those who speak with a southern drawl.

That’s a novel theory, albeit incorrect. A foreigner speaking a regional dialect even in the region where it is spoken is likely to be viewed by the natives as a pretentious airhead at worst or a performing seal at best. It should not be forgotten that a foreigner is unlikely to ever sound natural using the vocabulary or accent of the dialect. In any event, we already know it’s unnecessary.

The first thought of a Japanese encountering a foreigner speaking a regional dialect outside the region where it is spoken is likely to be: Who is this twit?

Those foreigners who want to live in Japan for more than a year or two, and wish to be taken seriously by the Japanese, would do well to avoid dialect altogether. An exception would be the occasional–very occasional–joke during casual conversation.

As for Americans looking down on Southern accents, most have been cured of that personality disorder now that people such as Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton have won national elections. Perhaps a small colony of sufferers still exists somewhere in an isolated pocket of Manhattan.

In contrast, I know a Japanese woman who studied in England and loved the accent. She became very good at imitating it. (She can speak normally when she wants to.) Foreigners are charmed the first time they meet her. They’re ready to gag by the third time they meet her. Here’s the interesting part: the people who dislike it the most are the British.

The second school of thought says it’s all very well to study standard Japanese in the classroom and to understand TV.
But if you’re not living where it’s used on a daily basis, you’d better master the local accent if you expect to truly communicate, or if you plan to live in that region for a long time.

You can count the number of adherents to the second school of thought on the fingers. Hasn’t the author already stated that all Japanese learn standard Japanese?

Foreigners are unable to “truly” communicate with a Japanese only when their knowledge of standard Japanese is insufficient. (And I include myself in that statement.)

And there is also something to be said about speaking and understanding a regional dialect that few of your friends, foreign or Japanese, can follow.

Yes, something indeed can be said: Don’t waste your time.