Station KCNA Broadcasting from Planet Pyongyang

Comrades!

Are you feeling stepped on because the bellicose militarists have stopped sales of iPods, Hennesey XO cognac, and Japanese air conditioners to the Dear Leader and his faithful aides?

Have the swollen-headed aggressors shut off your access to the counterfeit dollar accounts, forcing you to pay real money to those Chinese merchants for the latest South Korean DVDs?

Have the psychopathological flunkeys cut you out of the loop for your share of the date rape drugs before they’re shipped around the world?

And now you don’t stand a chance with the loveliest of the party cadres, and have to satisfy yourself with toothless peasant women from P’ungan instead?

Is that what’s troubling you, comrades?

Then step right up for a healthy dose of positive songun outlook that will turn your day around, and head for the daily summaries of the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea! It’s sure to put a socialist spring in your step and the gleam of juche in your eye!

Here’s just a small sample of this week’s news!

Imperialists’ Moves for “Globalization” under Fire

The “globalization” much touted by the imperialists is nothing but a yoke of exploitation and plunder, domination and subjugation as it is intended to put other countries under their tight control and bleed the world people white to the maximum under the spurious signboard of “co-prosperity” and a neo- colonial system whereby to completely obliterate the Juche character and national identity of other countries and nations and turn the relations between the Western multi-national monopolies and the developing countries into those between the slave owner and slaves.
Rodong Sinmun Sunday says this in a signed article.

Is that a sentence, or is that a sentence!

United States Accused of Letting Loose War Outcries

The U.S. secretary of Defense was lately reported to have cried out for getting the U.S. forces fully prepared to go into actions to cope with what he called someone’s “threat.” He blustered that the U.S. forces were having a series of war scenarios in the making in anticipation of the Korean war and a crisis to be created in the Pacific region and other contingencies.

Crying out to quickly create crises! Those running dogs!

Rare Turtle Appears in Central Zoo

A rare turtle, Macrochelys Temminckii, has newly inhabited the Central Zoo of the DPRK.
It has a rough shell like a crocodile’s back, a developed sharp-pointed beak, a large head and long tail compared with those of other kinds of turtles.
It is a 20-30 years old male turtle.
Technicians and feeders in the zoo pay a deep attention to its breeding.

Imagine whom it’s breeding with!

Triplets Born in DPRK

Triplets were born in township of Jongphyong County, South Hamgyong Province. Their mother is Jon Sun Ryon residing in the township and their father is Choe Myong Nam, people’s security man

Glorious! Three new sons of songun added to the rolls!

Kim Jong Il’s Work Brought Out in Ecuador

Kim Jong Il’s famous work “Socialism Is a Science” was brought out in pamphlet by the Santa Rita Publishing House of Ecuador.

Causing stampedes in bookstores throughout Quito!

Information Bulletin Released by CILRECO

The International Liaison Committee for Reunification and Peace in Korea (CILRECO) released an information bulletin on Feb. 14.
The bulletin informed its readers of the decision of the “International Kim Il Sung Prize” Council to award “International Kim ll Sung Prize” to Kim Jong Il in recognition of his outstanding contribution made to the world revolution and the cause of global independence as topic news.

Kim Jong-il wins the Kim Il-sung Prize once again!

Japan’s Ambition for Overseas Aggression under Fire

The Japanese reactionaries who have long dreamed of overseas aggression enacted the “law on dispatching troops overseas” under the pretext of “cooperation in UN peace-keeping activities” in the 1990s to dispatch “Self-Defence Forces”(SDF) to different countries and regions in Asia, Mideast and Africa. Right after the U.S. ignited the Afghan and Iraqi wars under the signboard of “anti-terrorism”, they paved the way for SDF’s overseas operation under the signboard of “providing logistic support” to the U.S. troops. Rodong Sinmun Friday says this in a signed article.
It goes on:
Japan has thus emerged a dangerous aggression force before the international community.
It is set to escalate the SDF’s overseas dispatch under the cloak of the UN.
Japan has been crafty in abusing the name of the UN for the purpose of realizing its ambition for overseas aggression. It escalated the SDF’s overseas dispatch under the pretext of “cooperation in UN peace-keeping activities” whenever the UN took measures for ensuring regional peace. This lays bare the crafty and militaristic nature peculiar to Japan.

Those crafty Japanese! And you thought that UN peacekeeping only meant child-sex rings! Now, instead of comfort women, the Japanese can be aggressive overseas with the Komfort Kids!

Need more? The Web site NK News even has a database of KCNA news for your websurfing pleasure!

And if your imagination fails you, there’s even a random insult generator employing the text of past KCNA reports!

Comrades! Now isn’t that enough to make a double rainbow glisten over Mt. Paektu?